Darkness

from The Healer series

My first memory of darkness was when a neighbor’s child came to my house one day. 

He said calmly, “I want your toys, and since you can’t see, I’m just going to take them from you.”

I struggled to find him in the room, feeling about with my hands and trying to follow the sound of his mocking laughter. I could still hear him laughing, some 34 years later. I heard him laughing when I realized the merchant gave me less change back, when the kids pointed and made faces at me, when people walked by and took money from my jar instead of giving it. They all thought I didn’t see, but I did. I saw the darkness, and it made me darker. 

It was just me against the world from that point on. I had some sense that our people were supposed to be God-fearing, but when I considered all that happened around me, it couldn’t be reconciled. I embraced the darkness.

I became a master manipulator and thief. I preyed on people’s sense of duty and the pity they had for me. I leveraged the laws of God against people. I picked pockets and used my blindness as an excuse to cover for when I got caught in other people’s houses taking their things. I had become at home in the darkness. That was, until three years ago, when I met him.

Out of nowhere, he comes up to me, doesn’t tell me who he is, and smears mud on my eyes to prove some point about light and dark to his friends. I was a hardened man by then, so this was a small matter of inconvenience to me. I’d been kicked in the head and people had done disgraceful things to me as I sat by the road. But then he said, “Go, wash in the pool.”

I had water closer than that, so why would I go all the way there? But, his tone was affectionate and caring as well as urgent and compelling. I understood he thought this would cure my blindness. 

I was faced with a hard choice. I could go to the pool and make a fool of myself. Perhaps it was some kind of trap, I thought. Intuition rejected this. I could ignore the command and just wash with what water I had with me, or just wipe my eyes off with a sleeve. Often the muddy-face look was effective in compelling people to give money. 

Then a crazy thought came into my head: what if it worked? That could be the worst of any option. It would mean I’d have to give up my life of crime, I would no longer be able to remain in the darkness. It would mean a new life for me, one that was unknown, and therefore scary. 

I found myself to be already standing. My body had made a decision, it seemed. I considered what merit there could possibly be in this course, to become like them, like those who could see and who oppressed and injured me these many years. Only, there was this one man, who had just spoken to me in kindness and offered a gift to me, the gift of sight. They weren’t all bad. If he could be like that, it might be ok to be like one of them. 

This ray of light shone into my darkness and revealed new truths about my many years of pain and suffering. I knew at that moment I had not been alone. The deep places in the heart where faith hides in fear were awakened and something stronger than expected arose out of sleep. 

At first the sunlight shining on the water of the pool hurt my eyes and my constitution. My eyes adjusted faster than my constitution. Following the way of the man who made me see the light has been difficult. The old ways hold tight and constantly offer the promise of an easy way out. I’ve even gone that way from time to time, the way of darkness, only now it is not dark and I see it for what it is. I remember the man, the light, and the truth. I carry on.